MORE on Forgiveness
- UNLOCKING THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS
- FORGIVENESS: What is It, Why Should We Forgive? How Can We Do It?
- Nancy B. Emerson Lombardo, Ph.D., Wellesley Centers for Women; principal author ©2000
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?
- Forgiveness is “a choice… a decision, an attitude, a process, and a way of life.”
» R. Casarjian
- Seldom a one-time event.
- “… is a process that requires shifting our perceptions again and again.”
- “…is a way of life.”
R. Casarjian
- “Forgiveness is a matter of a willed change of heart, the successful result of an active endeavor to replace bad thoughts with good, bitterness and anger with compassion and affection.”
– J. North
FORGIVING DOES NOT MEAN:
- You have to forget about what happened
- You have to say what happened is OK
– it wasn’t OK and you have a right to be angry and be resentful;
– but in forgiving, you give up those feelings
Forgiveness Is Not …
- Forgetting
- Condoning
- Ignoring/overlooking
- Approving
- Absolving (i.e., there can still be consequences)
– Michael Ross
Forgiveness Does Not Necessarily Mean:
- Reconciliation
R. Enright, R. Casarjian, J. Borysenko & others
WHY FORGIVE?
WHAT RESEARCH TELLS US
- Forgiving is a healthy act for mind and body (Enright, Friedman, Worthington, McCollough, Casarjian, Borysenko, and many others)
- Chronic anger is associated with increased mortality & morbidity (Williams and Williams: Anger Kills)
- Chronic anger & resentment hurts our emotional state and self-esteem
(Williams & Williams, Enright, Friedman, Casarjian, others)
- Chronic Anger is Unhealthy
- Biologically – can injure the body
– depresses immune system
– hurts cardio-vascular system
- Williams and Williams: Anger Kills
- Psychologically – can cause harm
– Weakens social supports which promote good health
- Rowe & Kahn: Successful Aging
- Memory of the Offense
– Embedded in our body cells, brain
- Rational memories: the facts of what happened
- Visual memory: the images of what happened
- Emotional memory: the feelings of what happened
- Molecules of Emotion, Candace Pert
THE DIFFICULTY OF FORGIVING, OF LETTING GO:
- Is related to the severity of the hurt, pain, anger
- The strength of the negative memories: thoughts, images and emotions
- How many times we “re-live” the offense without “letting it go.”
- ruminations, obsessive remembering
- retelling the story over and over
NON-FORGIVENESS IS ASSOCIATED WITH:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Hopelessness
– Freedman, Enright et al
TRANSFORMATION THROUGH FORGIVENESS: INDIVIDUAL INTERVENTION STUDY (Freedman, Enright et al. 1996 *)
- Depression lifts
- Anxiety decreases peacefulness increases
- Self-esteem increases
- Hope pervades
- Difficulty of Forgiving…
WHAT ANGER DOES FOR US
Positive benefits of short term anger:
(Concepts adapted from Williams & Williams, Casarjian, and others)
- Sets boundaries
- Energizes us
- Hides other more uncomfortable emotions
– anxiety, hopelessness, sadness, shame, fear, pain (These can be frightening to feel)
- Anger can instill fear in other person
- Anger: Disadvantages
- Disadvantage of holding on to anger and desire for revenge:
– Stuck in past,
– start losing friends (tired of hearing “same old, same old”)
– Negatively affects our physical and emotional health
– Damages relationships
WHO BENEFITS FROM FORGIVENESS?
- Forgiveness is a gift to the wrong-doer
- But the principal beneficiary is YOU, the forgiver.
- The “forgiven” person may be unaware of your gift, or unable or unwilling to accept it
- but YOU still benefit
SELF-FORGIVENESS IS
- Self-acceptance, self-loving
- Self-respect and acknowledgement
- Freeing oneself from guilt and shame
– Guilt: For wrong actions/thoughts
– Shame: For being imperfect, unworthy or “a flawed human being”, as if others weren’t also
FORGIVING ONESELF FOR :
- making mistakes
– not doing “the right thing”
– making poor decisions
– acting foolishly
– “sins” of omission and commission
- hurting oneself – or another
- not being perfect, not excelling
- “letting people hurt you”
- weaknesses
- “letting bad things happen.”
FORGIVENESS “TOOLS”
- Reprogramming our memories, which may require a variety of “tools”
- Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts: (through reframing, cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, prayer)
- Replacing negative images with positive images (through visualization, meditation)
- Replacing negative emotions with positive emotions (through changed thoughts, images, massage, acupuncture, healing touch & other body-based therapies)
THINGS THAT FACILITATE FORGIVENESS
- Being forgiven
- Committing to self-acceptance
- Committing to personal growth and development
- Learning to establish new boundaries
- Strengthening one’s capacity to listen
- Strengthening one’s capacity to be grateful for life and be appreciative
- Providing opportunities for persons who wronged you to apologize – & accept they may not be able to
- Leaving justice to others (God, the universe, society, “life”)
- Practicing forgiveness
THINGS THAT MAY FACILITATE FORGIVENESS
FINDING MEANING IN OUR PAIN
As Victor Frankel said,
“Suffering without meaning= despair”
We add:
Suffering plus meaning = hope
RESULTS OF FORGIVENESS
- Inner peace
- Sense of wholeness
- Spiritual, emotional and physical healing
- Awareness of internal emotional release
- Enhanced self-esteem, self-respect and hope
- Results of Forgiveness (cont’d)
- Less depression and anxiety
- A sense of inner power and well-being
- Greater happiness and contentment
- A sense of connectedness with others, the universe
- Accepting Imperfections – Theirs and Ours
- Important people in our lives, our parents, our children, were not able to, give us everything we needed or wanted
- They are each as imperfect as we are….and God Loves Us Just the Way We Are!
- We can always work towards improving ourselves and our relationships, loving ourselves and each other more!
TAKE-HOME MESSAGES: Our Relationships Can Be Improved
Mutual Respect: you have to give it to get it
- respect is at the core of any relationship
- respecting yourself facilitates respecting someone else
- respect may be earned or freely given
- respect can be encouraged if people
-listen and talk to each other
-accept differences; (we are all unique people)
-set boundaries and keep them
Wellesley Centers for Women Daughters and Mothers: As We Grow Older March 27, 1999
Accepting Our Imperfections N. Emerson Lombardo, J. Heller, T. Petigara
TAKE-HOME MESSAGES
Try practicing forgiveness….of yourself, your family, your friends, others in your life;
Empathy and acceptance of our imperfections are key ingredients
What Does Love Have to Do With It?
- Letting go of negative feelings (hate, anger, bitterness, resentment, desire for revenge)?
- Ceasing to think negative thoughts & feelings; stop rehearsing the past?
- Accepting that the other person is a flawed human being, “just like me.”
- Thinking and feeling positive thoughts… wishing the person well.
- Loving the offender?
